If a job interviewer had asked me five years ago where I saw myself in five years, under no circumstances would I have ever said, “Bent over my bathroom floor getting my ass shaved on video.”

I mean, there’s a number of reasons I wouldn’t have said that to a job interviewer, but chief among them is that I never, ever would have imagined myself here five years ago.

Five years ago, I was a somewhat happily engaged woman who spent most of her time skim-coating walls, creating flower arrangements and singing really loudly like a Disney princess so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I was about to marry a Libertarian.

On the other hand, a job interviewer might appreciate the efficiency of such a task: not only does my unfurry butt look great for future photoshoots, but I now have a great fetish video for my fans! Two birds, one stone!

It was such a mortifying video to make that I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it until the next day. I was pleasantly surprised by the result, however. It turns out that runny shaving cream is oddly arousing.

I am learning a lot from this new endeavor.

I should back up a little.

So there I was, having a great time posting artistic nudes on OnlyFans, when my fans started asking for cum facials and ass-fucking videos.

I really enjoy creating artistic nudes for my fans. It combines my three great loves of nudity, costuming and design. Cum facials and ass-fucking videos . . . don’t really do that.

But whatever my fans my want, my fans get, because that is the kind of bitch I am.

GULP.

So . . . I hit my up my cute little Coronavirus crush, and he graciously agreed to help. He told me later that while shaving my butt, all he could think was, “Don’t snag the wrinkles! Don’t snag the wrinkles!”

Cute, right? Who knew creating porn would be so cute?

It turns out that creating porn is also super fun. It’s also very exhausting and very sweaty. We relaxed with pizza and anime afterwards, as well as some other stuff I can’t mention, at which point he went to send the photos to a shared Google drive and promptly uploaded them to his work account instead.

Oops. Here’s hoping you don’t have a super awkward Monday morning, Coronavirus Cuddle Buddy!

I am so much more conservative in regards to sex than I previously realized. My other friends doing OnlyFans are like, “Here’s a video of me featuring triple penetration during a Full Blood Moon ritual on the stairs of the Capitol Building! Just another typical Tuesday, haha! Enjoy!”

Meanwhile, I’m over here like, “Good morning, good sirs. If I might bother you for a moment, I’d like to tell you about a selection of videos I have that may suit your libidinous predilections. In the first video, you will see my gluteous maximus become less hirsute, and in the next . . .”

SIGH. I have a super-long way to go before I’m completely comfortable with this. Can I please just go back to making dumb jokes and stripping now?

I have a bunch of odd looking photos and videos on my hard drive now. Some of them are actually sexy. Now, to work up the courage to unleash them on the world.

There’s nary a cum facial video among them, however. Baby Girl kept swallowing too soon. Oops. There would have been a video of me squirting harder than I ever have in my life, but we forgot to turn the video recorder on. Double oops.

Perhaps we’ll try again next weekend.