Lap Dances in the Time of Coronavirus

On the evening that the City of Austin announced they were canceling South by Southwest for the first time since it’s inception 34 years ago due to Coronovirus fears, I went to dance at Bare Cabaret and found there was no soap in the women’s bathroom.

Austin, I have found Ground Zero for the Coronavirus!

There was much chatter in the dressing rooms amongst the dancers as to the impact that the SXSW cancellation might have. The general consensus was that people would come to Austin anyway and just have more money to spend at the strip clubs. Clearly, all these dancers are optimists.

I wondered if Coronavirus fears would keep people away.

THEY ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DID NOT.

Let’s see, how to explain how packed the club was on Friday?

At Bare Cabaret, there are private stalls available for lap dances. Once you’ve secured a client, you lead him to a private stall, dance as long as he wants, leave and hustle somebody else.

Friday night, I did not even have to leave the stall. Nor did I have to hustle anyone. Dudes were literally lining up outside the stall. I didn’t even have time to dress between dances. In all my dancing days, I have never seen anything like it.

I danced for men from Alabama, Mississippi, Kansas, Washington, DC, Seattle and San Francisco. I am definitely getting coronavirus. I am just going to lick every dude who comes through here and get this shit over with as quickly as possible.

In the meantime, friends, if you don’t wanna hang out, I totally get it.

I didn’t realize this before I started dancing, but Austin is a huge destination for bachelor parties. Dudes come here from New York and LA to party. Canceling Southby isn’t going to prevent jack shit. They are coming anyway.

It’s only a matter of time.

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