I’ve been featured in an online BDSM cartoon called SubLIME! It’s very entertaining, very eye-opening and very, very fruity. It’s written and illustrated by the very talented Mr. Whitmore, who is very Marty and you should very much go check it out HERE.

Today’s story is a bit BDSM as well, so strap in! Or strap on, depending on your preferences.

Saturday night found me at Foxy’s with the regular crew, not-so-white-bread Connor and coke dealer Luis, along with their friend Daniel, who appeared to be only a few green paint shades short of being the Hulk. He seemed nice.

Foxy’s was the usual chaos of twerking queens reigning on three glittery stages awash with cash, but honestly, our adventures here were beginning to feel a bit rote. That is, until I looked over at Luis to find him chuckling to himself.

“Why are you laughing?” I asked.

“I just paid the waitress to find the ugliest woman in here and have her give Daniel a lap dance.”

I looked over at Daniel. He was happily sipping a drink and watching the stages below, completely oblivious to the fate Luis was plotting for him.

“That’s gonna be hard to do,” I told Luis. “All the women I’ve seen in here are gorgeous.”

Luis settled into the couch and smiled. “Just wait.”

A few minutes later, I noticed the ice in our drinks began rattling ever so slightly. The next thing I knew, I was ear to thigh with buttocks three times the size of my head. I looked up . . . up . . . and even further up the most Amazonian woman I’d ever seen. My face was nearly parallel to the ceiling before I saw her face, complete with a blond pixie cut atop her head. She was massive, fierce, tawny and glistening, every curve a muscle, but far from ugly.

Daniel was a big guy, but this dancer looked like she could snap him in half with a twist of her fingers. She headed straight for him. Nobody warned him.

Daniel caught sight of her mere nanoseconds before she cartwheeled herself into his lap upside down. One moment, he was merrily enjoying his drink without a care in the world; one blink later and his cheeks were being squeezed by two massive thighs while a very strong crotch boxed his chin.

Daniel did the best thing any man in this situation could do. He yelped, dropped his drink, wrapped his bulky arms around her legs and held on for dear life. His face held the look of both sheer panic and excitement that you see in photographs of people on roller coaster rides. You know, the super annoying ones that always catch you gaping like a fish with spit flying out of your mouth and heading into your boyfriend’s wide open eyeball. Stupid, embarrassing, non-consensual photo booth. I hate you, AstroWorld.

Anyway . . . A few seconds into the dance, Daniel had his eyes closed with a dreamy smile on his face while Miss Wakanda did her thing. Honestly, I’ve never seen a man treasure a lap dance the way Daniel did that night. He had finally met his match, and he was IN LOVE. His expression was sublime, you might say. Heh.

The waitress had to come back to clean all the ice off the carpet where Daniel had dropped his drink. Luis tipped her twenty-five dollars for a job well done. Luis was very pleased. Very pleased, indeed. I like to think it was the best twenty-five dollars he’s ever spent.