Tales from Da Club #53

When I first began dancing, I learned very quickly that it requires a lot more to rake in the dough than looking hawt in lingerie and shaking it like a polaroid picture. In order for an entertainer to fully ensnare her prey, she must possess some other intangible allure, some potent and exotic mix of qualities designed to pierce the psyche of her prey and entrance him more deeply than what she can achieve simply with her sex appeal.

In other words, any bimbo can make a dick hard. It’s what in her head that keeps him coming back. A cage has yet to be designed that is stronger than the lies of the mind.

To this end, I have developed an arsenal of weaponry, chief among them a comedic wit. As I am not a naturally funny person, this has been perhaps my biggest challenge. In the past, I’ve always preferred to steal the jokes of other comedians.

Like this one, for instance: “Now that Harriet Tubman’s face is probably gonna go on the twenty dollar bill, in the strip club when people throw bills in the air, instead of calling that “making it rain,” we’re gonna call it EMANCIPATION PRECIPITATION.”

That is my favorite strip club joke so far. Tee hee. (My apologies to the comedian responsible for that joke for forgetting his name.)

I have, however, developed a few jokes of my own from scratch. Sometimes I’ll post them on Facebook for ya’ll to gauge whether or not they’re actually funny.

If you were paying attention awhile back, you may have seen one of them about a roach in my bed. It went something like this:

Q: What do you do when you bring a date home for the first time and find a roach in your bed?

A: You look at him and ask, “Threesome?”

That didn’t actually happen to me, folks who caught that. You did, however, seem to think that was pretty funny, so I created a bit to go with it.

A few weeks ago, I was telling all of this to Will, one of my clients who is actually cool enough to become a friend. We hit it off pretty well the first time we met and every now and then when he gets a free evening, he’ll come back and visit me. Will enjoyed my joke and asked what the bit was, so I told him the following:

“So my date looked at the roach and then he looked at me and then he looked back at the roach. And then, without saying a word, he reached out and grabbed the roach with his bare hand. And you could see its little antenna darting in and out of the guy’s fist, so I realized he was holding the roach firmly enough to contain it but not hard enough to crush it. And the roach is just squirming around in there like crazy. And then my date opened the front door and let the roach go outside.

“So, the roach gets to live, which was awesome, but it’s also no longer in my bed, which is even more awesome. And now this guy is my HERO. So I looked at him and said, “I am gonna blow you so hard . . . AS SOON AS YOU AMPUTATE YOUR HAND!”

Will and I laughed and laughed and then Will said “You know what the funniest part of that whole story is?”

“What?” I asked him.

“The funniest part of that whole story is that I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY AMPUTATED MY HAND!”

Badum tish! Thanks, Will. You made my whole night 🙂

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