When I first interviewed to be a waitress at the club, I was immediately put at a disadvantage. They seated me in the VIP section and sent Rocco to interview me.

As I watched Rocco walk towards me, my heart sank. He was nearly 6’5” and incredibly muscular, bald and bearded. I was immediately intimidated, like a mouse quivering before a lion.

I needed this job, so I thought quickly. The only thing you can do when finding yourself at a disadvantage is to use your strengths to flip the script. I decided to treat the interview as a seduction. After all, they’re kind of the same thing, right? 

I stood as Rocco approached, offered my hand and spoke first. “Oh, no!” I exclaimed. “They sent me a pirate! Now I’m gonna be super nervous.”

Rocco laughed. “What?”

He sat down. I sat down next to him.

“You look like a pirate,” I said, “And I have huge pirate fantasies. HUGE.”

This wasn’t actually a lie. Ask my exes. They’ll tell you.

“Is that a compliment?” Rocco asked. “Because I’ve always thought of pirates as kind of dirty.”

“Oh, they are,” I purred, leaning in a little closer, “But they’re dirty in a good way.”

Rocco laughed again and launched the interview, but it was clear I had caught him off guard. I don’t imagine very many cocktail waitress wannabes spill their private fantasies during a job interview.

Throughout the interview, I continued looking at Rocco like Trump looks at Putin, which didn’t require much acting, because Rocco is, honestly, hotter than a shirtless dictator on horseback accepting kickbacks from crony corporations.

Needless to say, I got the job.

And Rocco shook my hand five times before I left.